The guilt of going back to work

I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to find a childminder, for Alfie, for when I go back to work in August. 

There was one lady who sounded great and a couple of people recommended her. She had space for Alfie, her rates were reasonable and she was happy to answer all the questions I had about holidays and time off.

We arranged to meet her yesterday morning at her house, seen as that is where Alfie would be spending most of his time.

As soon as we walked in I felt very welcome and the playroom was enticing! I wanted to stay there and play! It was bright and colourful, full of toys and activities. It led out to a big garden that looked like great fun in the summer and once Alfie is on the move. It was a fantastic room and like we were in a nursery!

Alfie took to Julie straight away. He is a very happy friendly baby anyways, but he does know who he does and doesn’t like. His little face lit up and so did mine.

We were shown all the information we needed, ofsted reports, qualifications, relevant paperwork, all the forms and information she’d want and need for Alfie.  Absolutely everything you could think of, Julie had it covered. It made us relax knowing she knew what she was doing and was going to do her best for Alfie.

We spent twenty minutes sat on the mat on he playroom floor chatting, we all felt at home. We let her know we wanted him to go there as soon as we’d left and talked about it in private!

We liked her, Alfie liked her and we knew we’d be happy leaving him there everyday.

Until now.

Earlier tonight Dan was telling his mum on the phone about the childminder. I made some comment about Alfie spending more time with her than us.

I felt instant guilt. I wanted to cry. How could I do that to him. He’d be spending more time with a stranger, albeit a very lovely stranger, than us. It really hit me hard. And is doing so now telling you all.

I feel really guilty, like I am letting him down not being able to spend more time with him. Like I should be doing something else so I can be there more, but I can’t.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable. I need to go back to work, I need to be able to pay the bills and afford to live, but to also treat Alfie and go on holidays and enjoy the time we’ll have as a family, and for my own sake too. I like working, I like my job and I do miss it being on Maternity Leave, but I’ll miss Alfie more.

All parents will understand the heartbreak of realising you have to leave your babies. I’ve only left him a handful of times in nearly six months and in a couple of months it will be most of the day every weekday.

I feel guilty.

I always will. I’ll miss him. But he’ll love it I’m sure.

 Look at that little face! I’ll miss spending all of my day with this little cutie! 
I’ve got a couple of months left on Maternity Leave and boy am I now going to treasure it!

Be prepared for an emotional Mummy Fox when the going back to work does happen if this is what I’m like at picking a childminder…

Mummy Fox xx

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